You must hurry if you want to be Bad!
Our 7th Annual Bad Poetry Contest ends tomorrow, on my birthday. The winner will be chosen by an experienced panel of judges (probably me and my best friend Mike, after consuming a couple birthday margaritas, just to make sure our poetic skills are razor sharp), and we’re still looking for the one knock-it-out-of-the-park putrid poem. So don’t wait — start yakking those deep thoughts now.
The Grand Prize Winner of this year’s Bad Poetry Contest will receive a copy of the text that has been called “The Worst Self-Published Book of All Time.” The title is How to Good-bye Depression: If you constrict anus 100 times everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? by Hiroyki Nishigaki. (If you don’t believe me, check it out here: http://tinyurl.com/d588msb
You may not be completely familiar with Mr. Nishigaki’s book, but he starts off with a bang by offering this tip: “Take advantage of this at your peril.” Much of the book consists of random emails he has apparently sent to friends, but he does offer such sound advice as “Erase your bad stickiness” and “stare, shoot out immaterial fiber, ucceed in concentrating, behave with abandon-largess-humor and beckon the spirit.” I’ve been erasing my own bad stickiness through this very method (though Holly has refused to clean up when I shoot out my immaterial fiber at the office). No, I really don’t have any idea what the book is about (other than, you know, constricting your anus 100 times every day), but as a writer I find I can pretty much open it up to any page, read it aloud, and start to laugh. It’s THAT bad.
I know the excitement that comes with a fabulous, potentially life-changing book like this. So the winner of our Bad Poetry contest DESERVES this book. It’s even autographed. (Not by the author. By the person who gave me a copy. But still… it’s autographed.) So smack that muse; wake up your mojo and explain in no uncertain terms that you need to get writing; feed your soul or whatever other stoopid writing metaphor you need to get you going, and drop us a heapin’ hunk o’ Bad Poetry. The world awaits your contribution.
-Chip
15 Comments
Ha! Thanks for the laugh. Goes to show you that just about anything can get published. Which is encouraging and depressing all that the same time. And Happy Birthday, hope you had a great day! (I must find a way to work “Erase your bad stickiness” into a conversation. It’s kinda catchy…)
Thanks, Melissa. I’m a huge fan of erasing bad stickiness.
Happy Birthday, Chip! Hope it was great.
It was fabulous, Jeanne. Had 15 friends at a dinner party, and mayhem ensued.
When, when when will you pick (me) the winner?
Why do you keep me waiting? I am manic and feverish with desire to cure my depression.
Only this book can cure it.
Only WINNING this book can cure it since I don’t want to have to buy it.
I have been in a depressive state since I lost out to the lava lamp prize some years ago.
Years past I wasn’t nearly as terrible as I am today. I have honed my horrible skills to advanced horrible terribleness.
Horrible
Terrible
Very bad
ps. I wrote this in a poet format just in case you want to count it as bad poetry. After all, you never can predict what’s in the eye of the beholder of a bad talent scout.
pss. Happy Birthday
She hot blooded (check it and see).
She’s got a fever of a hundred and three.
She wants to win the Nishigaki.
She’s wants to be Queen of Bad Poetry!
I am not going to enter the contest for fear of actually winning. I am however, laughing my a…. off right now and trying to figure out how I can use this book title in a sermon. I know some people that could use it!
Oh, and Happy Birthday!
Thanks, Bryan. And during Bad Poetry week, you have my permission to say “ass.”
Hidee Chip, I take pride in the fack that I’ve never won this here gig….or do I? Anyway, lemme see if I can do my worst fer ye…
They oncet was a gimp from Westchester
Who was known to be quite the bed wetter
He polished a thirstbuster
Hopped in a crop duster
And became quite the fire fightin’ trendsetter!!!
Touching and mysterious, Steve. Thanks for entering.
Happy Birthday Chip! OMG…I took a peek at that book and you have got to be kidding me! If THAT actually got published then I will NEVER feel bad again about anything I write…even the bad poem I entered in your contest! ;~)
But I do wonder how the sales of that book are going?
Thanks for this fun contest…
Beats me, Donna. It’s a self-published tome, and well known in publishing circles. I believe it stays in print just because people like me order copies to send to friends after a night of drinking.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday, Chip 🙂 I’m sure it’ll be fun since you’ll be spending it with those you love and reading REALLY BAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaad Poetry. What could be better? 😉
Happy birthday, Chip!
Thanks, Lee.